One of the things that comes up sometimes in discussions of social services is how much those receive help should appreciate it. I was thinking a lot about that last night and this morning, and here's why....
About midnight, the power went out here. By 12:30 or so, the recorded announcements of outages known to the power company was updated to include one for an outage in the Ballard area affecting 11,000 customers. By then I had some candles on, and was thinking seriously about what I might need to do if the outage went on into the night. So many things to consider: extra stress relief supplements to take, worrying about perishables in the fridge and freezer, if I have to head out for a while what will I do with Montano, who might be available to take a call for some help well after midnight on Monday night/Tuesday morning, on and on. I felt so weak and frazzled, and above all, helpless and discouraged about not being able to just take basic care of myself the way most people of my age and background can.
The power came back on just before 1 am. Came back on on this side of 8th Avenue, at least; the whole of Phinney Ridge stayed dark. I got back online...and an hour later, my net connection went down. I've had a lot of trouble with it this month, and so didn't need it just then. I waited until 4 am or so, trying resets every so often, and finally put in a service call. It was gratifying to hear the tech working through steps and go from "oh, yeah, basic stuff" to "huh, wait, this is strange" to "okay, putting you on the service schedule as a high priority". After that I went to bed, the area east of me still blacked out.
Just a few minutes ago, I got up, chatted with the guy who used to live downstairs and is now in the other ground-floor apartment and petted his cats some, and reset the modem while I took out trash. It works. *shrug* It's nice to be back online again.
Now understand: I am deeply, deeply grateful to live in a part of the world that has this much of a working infrastructure, and of all those folks making it possible, like the people out at 1 am making my power come back on, and of all those I thought of among friends whom I know I could call on if I had to, and all the rest. I am glad to be secure in my home, and to know that I have good food and medicine and everything.
But it still sometimes just plain sucks a lot to be so vulnerable to fear and disorientation, to need so much help. It's not ingratitude, it's just the fatigue of needing so much. It would have been great to be able to just load up a few things and head out for a day without any worries, and then saddening to realize how far I am from ever doing that again.
- Sometimes it's hard to be grateful
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bruceb- May 6th, 2008
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I don't know if it's any consolation, but I don't know all that many people among my friends who could just light out on short notice.
As for me, even though I have an emergency pack set up, there'd be lots of details like the cats, making sure we have adequate meds, checking the freezer and storage, making sure everything is turned off, grabbing any pending paperwork, grabbing the rechargers...
part of it is I think simply being established; there's so much more that needs to be dealt with.
As for me, even though I have an emergency pack set up, there'd be lots of details like the cats, making sure we have adequate meds, checking the freezer and storage, making sure everything is turned off, grabbing any pending paperwork, grabbing the rechargers...
part of it is I think simply being established; there's so much more that needs to be dealt with.
"But it still sometimes just plain sucks a lot to be so vulnerable to fear and disorientation, to need so much help. It's not ingratitude, it's just the fatigue of needing so much. It would have been great to be able to just load up a few things and head out for a day without any worries, and then saddening to realize how far I am from ever doing that again."
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I am so sorry you go through this. The last few years I went through something very similar--a degree of anxiety that I cannot still clearly convey to others. It's very strange, alien, even to be in that place. I hope you do find a way through the mess it causes, and hope that somehow--medicine, luck, miracle. You get past it. (I'm not sure what medications you are on, but you may talk to a doctor about anti-anxiety medications, they might not be for you, but your doctor might need to be informed of how stressful that fear and disorientation are to you.)
Seriously. Strength to you good sir. Keep fighting the good fight.
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I am so sorry you go through this. The last few years I went through something very similar--a degree of anxiety that I cannot still clearly convey to others. It's very strange, alien, even to be in that place. I hope you do find a way through the mess it causes, and hope that somehow--medicine, luck, miracle. You get past it. (I'm not sure what medications you are on, but you may talk to a doctor about anti-anxiety medications, they might not be for you, but your doctor might need to be informed of how stressful that fear and disorientation are to you.)
Seriously. Strength to you good sir. Keep fighting the good fight.
In turn, I'm sorry to hear about your problems, and sympathize a lot with the hard-to-describe point - some things mean a very great deal and sound trivial, which doens't help.
My long-term regimen includes things to help with this. Mom reminded me that I had long stretches of having it worse, back in the day. But it's on the list for review and updating, too.
My long-term regimen includes things to help with this. Mom reminded me that I had long stretches of having it worse, back in the day. But it's on the list for review and updating, too.
2008-05-06 09:13 pm (UTC)